“But if there’s one thing I hope you’ll believe, it’s that leaving was never because I didn’t love our son or you.”
“I loved you both enough to let you hate me.”
“Goldi.”
By the final line, I could barely see through my tears.
Leo sat across from me, completely still.
“She’s my mother?” he whispered.
I looked at Johnson.
“How much did you know?”
“She came to me the night before she left,” she said. “She showed me a letter from her doctor. She said the cancer had already spread.”
“You knew for 18 years?”
“I knew she was sick. I did not know exactly what happened after she left.”
“She never contacted you again?”
“She even refused to tell me where she was going. She only made me promise to give you the letter and to always keep an eye on her son.”
“You watched me hate her.”
Johnson’s face crumpled.
“I watched you raise Leo, and every year I wondered whether keeping my promise was wrong.”
I was devastated that the answers to all my questions had been so near yet so far.
Johnson continued, “I stayed close because I loved Leo, but also because I felt guilty. I thought helping you was the only way I could make up for my silence.”
“What gave either of you the right to decide what I could handle?”
“Nothing,” she said. “I had no right.”
Leo finally spoke.
“So she left just after I was born? Did she even know my name?”
The question silenced us.
“Yes,” I said. “She chose it with me.”
“Did she ever hold me?”
I remembered Goldi standing over his bassinet in the darkness.
“Yes. When you were born, she did hold you.”
“So she didn’t leave because I have Down syndrome?”
“No. I thought so, too, but no.”
My voice broke.
“She was right. I would have spent all my time trying to save her and would not have known how to balance it all with taking care of you.”
His eyes filled.
“Would you have wanted her to stay?”
“I think we both would have.”
“Then why didn’t she let you choose?”
I had no answer.
Leo stood and walked away from the table.
I followed him into the hallway.
“I thought my mother abandoned me and you just didn’t want me to know,” he said.
“I didn’t want you to think you weren’t loved. I love you, Leo.”
“But you also thought that she left because of me?”
“Yes, and I hated her for 18 years.”
He wiped his face angrily.
“I feel happy that she loved me. Is that bad?”
“No.”
“I also feel angry.”
“So do I.”
We stood there crying together, relieved by the truth and wounded by it at the same time.
Then Leo asked, “What did she look like?”
That question broke something inside me.
In 18 years, I had not told him anything about his mother.
I had told myself I was protecting him.
